Getting kids to do chores is tough. Should we bother?

Key Themes and Concepts

• Skills vs Knowledge: Clear distinction between knowing how to do something and actually having the skill to do it

• Parental Role: Parents are responsible for nurturing children's emotional, educational and practical skill development, not being their "friends" (that comes much later).

• Development Journey: Progress from dependency to independence through skill acquisition

• Chores as Learning Tools: Using household tasks to develop skills and build character

• Teaching Approach: Emphasis on loving, supportive guidance rather than doing tasks for children

• Family Dynamics: Importance of contributing to family life and feeling needed

• Long-term Perspective: Focus on deliberate skill development rather than short-term peace or ease for the parents or child.

• Shifting Parenting Trends: Observation of changes in parenting approaches and their impact on children's skill development

• Purpose and Pride: Children gain confidence and sense of purpose through being trusted with tasks

  
  

Maintaining a long view of child-rearing

As parents, we are tasked with nurturing our children and giving them opportunities to develop their skills and knowledge. When they are young, we naturally devote ourselves to focusing on their skills because once they have some basic skills, our lives also become easier. When they can put on their own shoes and socks, when they can brush their own teeth, when they can feed themselves without us needing to hold the spoon and make airplane noises our freedoms also increase. When they head off to school, our attentions naturally turn to their academic knowledge and the skills they will need to thrive in their academic years.

I’m an Occupational Therapist . We are trained to develop function wherever our client needs it. For each human being and each situation we find ourselves in we need different skills. As we go through life, we constantly develop and acquire new skills to be able to take on new challenges, set new goals and expand our potential. In due course we set new goals, and in turn need yet more skills.

Unfortunately, in my 20 + years as an Occupational Therapist working with children and their families in schools and in their homes around the world, I have observed a significant shift in what we focus on and how parents feel about their kids helping out at home. This inevitably results in changes in what our children are learning in their skills and in their beliefs and feelings.

We are tasked as parents to nurture our kids and help them become adults who contribute to the world, their communities and hopefully are productive! We teach them right from wrong, social-emotional skills, what behaviours are expected in the contexts they find themselves in. We fill their love tanks with unconditional acceptance and love which sustains them and enables them to cope with low level stress experiences, enabling them to overcome these stresses and feel a sense of their own power and compenance. As they build resilience they can handle bigger “stressors”, take on larger challenges, cope with feedback they may not like and maintain a strong sense of self-worth.

Coaching kids who are often dysregulated, confused, resistant, hungry, tired, [insert your own additional words] is not for the faint hearted. We must remain calm and regulated and keep our focus, not just on the moment at hand and the context of the day they have had, but also on the long term goal of them developing into kind, capable humans who can bring their unique skills to the world. Navigating, course-correcting and coaching to avoid them becoming entitled, rude, presumptuous… It’s a lot.

One thing I learned from my grandmother and mother was the advice that while we are raising them we are not their friends we are their parents.

Let me be clear, I make a living in play. I love to play and I play with my kids daily, whether in a sit-down game or a bit of monkeying around in the kitchen, using play to help them cope with feedback they need to hear or using play to shake off a difficult experience. Play is the ultimate way to learn skills and grow, stay connected and build self-worth. “Productivity” for kids is learning; through play, experimentation, curiosity and connection.

This may be obvious but I must point it out: skills and knowledge are different things. You can have a knowledge of how to ride a bike, how the bike functions how physiology must perform, adapt and respond to successfully ride a bike. However, until we actually get on that bike, we will not develop skills to ride the bike.

We each begin life as an infant, totally dependent on others. We are directed, nurtured, and sustained by others….Then gradually, over the ensuing months and years, we become more and more independent…until eventually we can essentially take care of ourselves, becoming inner-directed and self-reliant.

—Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Why are chores important?

Research shows that children who participate in household chores develop crucial life skills and higher levels of self-confidence that benefit them well into adulthood.

I don’t want to bore you with multiple studies so let me just give you one of my favourites.

In a longitudinal cohort study from 2019, performing chores in early elementary school was associated with later development of self-competence, pro-social behaviour, and self-efficacy.

In this comprehensive study of nearly 10,000 kindergarten students, researchers found that those who regularly performed chores showed significantly better academic, social, and life satisfaction scores by third grade, including improved math performance, regardless of family background.

Perhaps most importantly, involving children in household responsibilities as part of a family team effort helps them develop essential qualities like empathy, teamwork, and a strong work ethic that contribute to both personal and professional success later in life.

Reference: Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics 40(3):p 176-182, April 2019.

How do chores benefit my child?

Children must use different parts of their brain to develop those parts of the brain. They need to play games, have responsibilities, understand expectations, notice details, use their fingers, move their bodies, exercise their muscles & improve tone across the body as they grow. I need to practice these things in the safety of their family home. They will try and they will fail, over and over again, and that is expected, and normal, and helpful. That is how we learn. If they make a mistake, that is an opportunity for learning! As long as we as the parents don't screw up this beautiful learning opportunity by coming down heavy on them, huffing, sighing or being "disappointed". Rather, we can notice the gap in their learning and help them in a kind way but a clear and boundaried way, to plug the gap.

Executive function weakness is a hallmark of children with ADHD. Rigid thinking and difficulties perspective-taking are a hallmark of children with autism. Neurodiverse children commonly have difficulties with social and emotional skills and may present as immature compared to their peers. For these children, especially, it is so helpful to persevere with home chores and responsibilities so that they have a chance to practice on a daily basis and can achieve a level of mastery at home. These children require 10 times more practice than their peers so please don't miss this beautiful opportunity to help them grow and develop their brains and characters.

Physical Development Benefits

Fine motor skills flourish through everyday activities like:

• Setting the table (develops hand-eye coordination and spatial awareness)

• Using child-safe kitchen tools (strengthens hand muscles and improves dexterity)

• Helping with pet care (builds grip strength and motor control)

• Folding simple laundry items (enhances bilateral coordination)

Executive Function Development

Daily chores help children develop crucial executive functioning skills:

• Task initiation and completion

• Sequential thinking and planning

• Time management awareness

• Working memory development through routine tasks

Emotional and Social Growth

Participating in household activities supports emotional development by:

• Building confidence through successful task completion

• Developing a sense of responsibility and contribution to family life

• Learning to work alongside others cooperatively

• Understanding the importance of helping and sharing responsibilities

School Readiness Connection

These home-based activities directly support school success by developing:

• Ability to follow multi-step instructions

• Independence in self-care tasks

• Focus and attention span

• Pride in completing tasks independently

What kind of chores?

Start where you are.

There are no shortage of ways your child can contribute in the home or around it. Keep in mind it may not actually be needed or useful at the beginning, they are learning and need time before the balance tips, but the principle is important throughout and it is harder the later you start.

I will follow up with further blog pages to give you ideas for different age groups.

Young kids usually like to help and do activities with parents.

Keep in mind that while kids are young they typically enjoy “helping” out. Of course it is quicker to complete the task yourself without their “help”. But these are beautiful and critical opportunities to teach them skills they need. Invest the time in teaching your child these competencies which will enable them to build on their abilities, step by step as they grow and feel proud that they can contribute. These skills are a foundation to later learning to risk assess effectively and will open up possibilities for them to initiate creative projects of their own, applying their skills in other ways. Be careful to praise the progress. Don’t point out that theirs isn’t as good as yours or as their sibling. Use the opportunity to connect and build them up. This can be a precious routine once they accept that it is happening.

Older kids benefit from helping, even when they don’t want to help.

If your child has particularly challenging teen years ahead then the ability to connect in the kitchen or help around the garden and yard competently can be a wonderful and gracious lifeline to your relationship and an opportunity to have your child feel that they made a difference in some area of family life today, even if other aspects are challenging or full of conflict. It also gives you an opportunity to thank them and have a positive interaction which for some parents with challenging teens can make all the difference.

Completing chores at home can be the difference between an entitled child who refuses to contribute and believes things should come easily to them, and one who has gratitude for what it takes to put a meal on the table, get laundry done, go to work every day or clean up when we are all tired and no one wants to work.

E.g. During dinner: “thank you so much for your part in this meal everyone”. or “nice job with the carrots Sarah!”.

On the weekend: “I love how the grass looks, it makes my heart happy - thank you for cutting it so nicely. I can see the attention you gave to it AND I appreciate that I didn’t have to remind you. You were so responsible and showed initiative for what you could see needed doing. That was thoughtful. I’m a lucky mamma. ”

Tips for Success

To make these activities beneficial and enjoyable:

Setting Up for Success

• Break tasks into manageable steps.

• Ensure it is realistic for your child to do this task. Ensure they can be successful, provide more support or forward/backward chain the steps if necessary to start with. That means you complete the first stages and then they complete the last part of the task, taking on more and more of it as they improve in skill and confidence. Or the other way around.

• Provide age-appropriate and child-appropriate tools and equipment. (Think about safety)

Risk

• There are risks linked with some chores and some equipment. Be mindful and responsible with the equipment they will need to use for the task and the equipment that is in the vicinity.

• Taking the right risks at the right time is vital for growth.

• Deliberately teach safety. Common sense is not common. It is learned! For example: Explicitly teach kids to walk with scissors or knives pointed to the ground as they cross the kitchen. Their brains are not developed sufficiently to accurately risk assess and they have limited experience to draw from. Adults must teach this.

• If your child becomes dis-regulated and has a tool which could cause harm to themselves or others in their hand (or nearby them) you should remove it immediately and do not wait to ask their permission. As parents we must step in when we see a safety problem. If they protest, you will explain to them that they cannot be using a tool like this if they are unreliable in their emotions. When we as parents feel they are calm, we can give them another opportunity to try again. Most likely that will be at another time, on another day, or even 6 months from now if they demonstrated significant immaturity. I promise you this will make them pay attention to their behaviour and respect the privilege of being trusted with a knife or similar age-appropriate tool. When a child is motivated to be given a privilege, and set up for success, with a parent who believes in them, this is an excellent way for them to learn how to self regulate independently. They know you will follow through and they don't want to lose it again.

• Sometimes, knowingly or not, we may have installed in our child anxiety about certain things because of our own comments, reactions or behaviour. They watch us! Children may have heard “Be careful!” or “let me do it” which may have built in a feeling that there is something to be scared of, that they are not competent or similar. Be mindful of how we present a topic and whether our perspective of this risk is fair, or perhaps something for us to work on?

• Maybe another adult can assist with this task better than us - there is no shame in asking for help from others who may be more naturally able to assist. “It takes a village!”. We can role model to our kids that it is a good, brave, mature and grown up to ask for help or check in with others.

• If your child is anxious take heed and consider how you can break the task down to be more approachable for them. Maybe they need to watch a few times or maybe you can change your narrative about it. Offer support, presence, encouragement and co-regulate (meaning if you are calm they benefit from that attitude and feel more ready to try difficult things).

Creating Routines

• Make it a part of your daily routine. If the tasks are less "exciting" to the child then this results in more acceptance and less resistance once the routine is accepted. They can get simple tasks completed in just a few minutes and continue with their more preferred task.

• Make activities playful and engaging where possible, but it isn't always possible. Chores are part of being in a family community, they are not always fun and that's ok. Asking children to contribute sets a good role model and helps them feel part of the community (that is your family). It is not a hotel or holiday park, it is a family home and everyone should pitch in at their level of ability to help things flow. Consider doing tasks with them, sitting alongside them at the table to prepare vegetables or working nearby to the sink, or at least in the room so they feel your co-regulating presence and you can chat along to distract them or sing along to music as they complete the task (assuming they don't need their full attention to complete it!). This can also be a special moment for parent child connection.

• Allow extra time for task completion

Remember that the goal isn't perfection but rather the development of skills and confidence through regular participation in meaningful activities. As children master these basic life skills, they build a strong foundation for future learning and independence.

Praise and Encouragement

• Remember to offer consistent encouragement as they push through frustration at times or makes mistakes at other times. Practice makes PROGRESS!

• Offer specific praise for their EFFORT, SELF-IMPROVEMENT and ATTITUDE to contribute. Describe what you appreciate (even if it wasn't perfect) and they will keep enjoying the process of learning. E.g. Attention to detail in cutting/peeling/sweeping so carefully, or cleaning up the surface so nicely, or putting items away where they belong, or how much you enjoy chatting together during these moments, or how grateful that they join in willingly and with such a pleasant mood… "I know you preferred to play outside and that's why it means all the more to me that you helped out - off you go now - your work is done. Thank you!".

• Praise again in front of other family members if possible. e.g. "Daddy, did you notice what a lovely job [kiddo] did of cleaning those skirting boards? They were so filthy and had been bothering me for weeks. I'm so happy to see them looking lovely and clean".

Are you forcing me to do this chore?!

No parent wants to hear this. We like to have peaceful homes where members contribute with a joyful heart and chip in as needed so no one is overwhelmed. We also want to offer our children opportunities to experience certain tasks and practice specific skills so that they will grow and build on the next skill when developmentally appropriate.

But let’s be real. There will be push back. Any self-respecting child (or adult) will have things they would rather do than “that” chore. For that matter, I have things I would rather do than make dinner every night!

"Are you forcing me?!" - “Force” is a tough word.

Young children will confront a parent or carer with a statement like this that they may have picked up from school or a cartoon. What should we say? I don’t want to be prescriptive because what is right in your family, with this child (let alone another of your children) might be different to what is right for my children or my child with ADHD. Having said that I will give you my thoughts.

If you have a child who is generally compliant and reasonable then you should ask yourself why this child is pushing back now. Are they overwhelmed, coping with some other challenge you may not be aware of or have a very reasonable circumstance that makes this a non preferred activity. There is room for a discussion. A private conversation to find out whether an alternative or adjustment to the chore would be more acceptable could make all the difference. Negotiation and a feeling that a kid’s feelings are heard and accommodated is important to your relationship. Perhaps they struggle with a sensory aspect of the chore? They may not be able to articulate or even understand why they do not like this task. You may have to be a little bit of a detective overtime to figure out what makes the task difficult for that child. Too many people in the room? Too much noise? Dislike the radio? Don't feel skilled enough to complete the task safely? Would be happy to do it if alone in the room? Would be happy to do it if you are with them in the room?

I recall one of my daughters offered to unload all three shelves from the dishwasher, five days a week, relieving both her sisters of their before school tasks, in return for the sisters cleaning out the guinea pigs kennel once a week. Sometimes when we let children find solutions, everybody turns out happier then if we try to solve it ourselves!

Coming back to the "are you forcing me?" question, not all children will have a valid reason, some just want to avoid or protest until you give in and they get what they wanted or avoid the task. Children with ADHD are known to require multiple requests to be made before complying to parental requests by which time the parent has often times lost their cool. Negotiating can be used as a delaying technique and can be used as a stimulant opportunity (a good heated argument can, without them doing this consciously or maliciously, meet their need for excitement and drama). Therefore what I have found to be effective is to cut the argument short as quickly as possible before they have my head spinning in circles! Are you forcing me to peel these potatoes? “Yes, please get on with it”. We can discuss later if you would like to have been given a different chore but right now it’s time to get it done”. Nothing takes the wind out of an argument like agreeing with their stand. My mother tells me I had a heated moment as a teenager where I yelled at her “you are the worst mother ever” (because she wouldn’t let me go out that night). My mother replied to me “yes, you are probably right. You really suffer”. What could I say? “Well yeah! I’m glad you get it!”? All the wind and heat went out of my anger. I'm sorry mummy!!! You are the best mamma in the world. I may of course be biased :-)

Choice - at some level your kids have a choice about doing chores. It’s your job to help them make it! That means by removing other nicer options so that they make the choice we need them to make. Boundaries; not having access to that computer game or TV etc until it is done may be an easy solution. Or it might take a lot more slow, supported conversations, small successes in following adult directed tasks that you can then build upon. In the same way that they have no choice about going to school. It is expected, so let's get on with it.

“Chores are EXPECTED and NORMAL. Everyone does them. So you are right, you have no choice. Everyone has chores in a family. You can call it force if you like and if you want to. I think that is sad because it makes everyone feel sad and bad. But you get to choose the words you use. You also get to feel bad inside yourself if you choose to use negative words like that”.

Negotiation and compromise - that’s allowed. But be mindful that you can easily, inadvertently, teach your child that everything is negotiable and that they are in charge of what they do and when they do it. There need to be boundaries so it is workable for family life and done within a reasonable time frame. We don’t want it to feel like a lose-lose. You are putting in effort to set up the task and supervise it. They need to come and do it in a way, and at a time, that works for the family flow.

If you would like additional help to manage these parenting conversations & approaches there are lots of wonderful coaches out there. Find the right model for you, your child and your family.

Parent effectiveness training (PET), by Dr. Thomas Gordon is an excellent resource to help everyone feel they are on a win-win.

Non-violent communication workshops can be helpful.

Parenting classes can be very helpful but many “strong willed” children or children with ADHD or Autistic children need different and additional insights by specialists to avoid a battle of wills. Keep in mind that most typical parenting classes are aimed at neurotypical kiddos. These strategies are mostly ineffective with ADHD kids and can be harmful for Autistic kids. Consult your specialists or local Occupational Therapist.

Summary

Involving children in household tasks serves a deeper purpose beyond simply getting things done. When children participate in chores, they develop a sense of belonging and contribution to the family unit. Even simple tasks like chopping vegetables or helping with laundry make them feel valued and needed. Through these responsibilities, children not only build practical skills but also gain an appreciation for teamwork and the effort others put into maintaining the household. While there may be initial resistance and complaints, the long-term benefits far outweigh temporary discomfort. By maintaining firm but loving expectations around chores, parents help children develop responsibility, self-reliance, and a strong work ethic that will serve them well throughout their lives. Remember: we're not just teaching them how to complete tasks - we're helping them become capable, contributing members of their family and society.

I believe in you parents and carers, grandparents and neighbours, teachers, aunties and uncles. You’ve got this!

While they may not thank you now, they will later.